Weekend Update: P90X-Style

Today’s post will be an exercise in efficiency—or laziness, depending on how you look at it.  I stayed current with my workout schedule over the weekend, but I cannot say the same for my blog posting schedule.  So rather than boring you with three separate posts, I will bore you three times as much with just one.  I know, I know…I’m all heart.

So here goes–

Saturday: Shoulders & Arms

Still slightly sore from the Chest & Back beatdown of two days ago, I decided to keep with my new “Full Routine or Bust” mantra. This one brought me close to “bust” than I expected.  Make no mistake, my arms got the workout they’d been dreading, but the crazy thing is that I really enjoyed putting them through the paces.  I’m not sure if this is cause for concern, but I think somehow all this physical exertion is making my brain work differently.  I think I felt a twinge of…dare I say it?  Motivation!  I KNOW!!  Freaked me out too! 

I did identify my favorite workout of the day though.  It was the “One-Arm-Full-Supination-Concentration Curls”.  It’s not the exercise itself that makes it my favorite–it’s the fact that it sounds like Jesse Jackson was responsible for naming it.  Just the way that “…supination concentration…” rolls off the tongue makes it sound like one of his sermons /speeches.  It was as if the curls were agents of oppression, and my biceps were the victims. (Cue inspirational background music)

The egregious pain and preposterous agony inflicted soooooooo long by these tyrants of torture has caused my biceps to RIIIIIIIISE UP and proclaim that though they are small…though they may be weak…they will not stand for this abomination, this desecration, this Sony Play-station, this ceaseless inundation. From this day forward they will lift longer, they will be stronger.

Thank you, Rev. Jackson! 

Sunday: Yoga X

So far, Yoga continues to be the most challenging workout of the entire series.  The ridiculous part of this challenge is that all the other routines require constant movement, and I’m doing just fine with those.  Yoga X is a different animal all together.  Much of it requires standing still, in ridiculous poses, and I wind up sweating more in one session of yoga than I do in all the other routines combined.  Today, it also introduced a new challenge—one that I’m certain the creators of P90X could never have accounted for.

As I unrolled my mat on the hardwood floor, this session began like any other.  I stood on the mat, performed my split-leg hamstring stretches and calmly moved on to the Ashtunga Sun Salutations.  I placed my hands on the ground, jumped my feet back, and held in Plank for a few moments.  This is when I sensed a disturbance in the force.  (Thought I’d throw in a Star Wars reference, since that is as foreign to me as most of the yoga moves).  Lowering myself slowly into the bottom of a push-up, I was overwhelmed with what would become the day’s chief struggle.  My dog had peed on my yoga mat.  Right where my face lowers on 90% of the moves.  Once this realization struck me, I found it impossible to clear my mind.  It is difficult to be “in the moment” when one would like to remove his dogs kidneys through her ears.  To mitigate the offending side of my mat, I spun it around—only to discover that since I had rolled the mat up before I knew of the stain, the scent was conveniently spaced at regular intervals over the entire length of the mat.  My little Cairn terrier had managed to claim my all 6 feet of rolled foam as her own, thanks to my oversight.

Toto was a Cairn terrier.  I can’t help but think that if Toto had peed on Dorothy’s yoga mat, The Wizard of Oz might have been a very different movie.  Mrs. Gulch wouldn’t have had the chance to take little Toto, because when Dorothy did her first vinyasa of the day, Toto wouldn’t have been in Kansas anymore.

Monday: Legs & Back

Today’s update can easily be summed up in three words.

Wall. Squats. Evil.

While the gang on the TV joins me in these squats, it does my heart good to see Dreya burn Tony with a look of disdain so intense that it’s only occurrence in nature was observed when an manipulative little dog peed on her unsuspecting owner’s yoga mat. 

Absolutely, unequivocally, positively preposterous!!

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