Hello, arch nemesis old friend. It’s mildly depressing fantastic to see you again, Legs & Back. Looks like we’ll be working together today. Oh, Crud! Great!
In the past, when it comes to workout routines, I’ve always managed to avoid leg workouts. It’s not because I don’t think they’re important. It’s not because I don’t realize that the legs house the largest muscles in the body, thereby providing the best calorie burn during and post-workout. The simple fact is that I don’t like leg workouts. They’re hard and they bore me. But since I’ve decided to chronicle this journey for you, my readers, I owe it to you to complete each one of the workouts and write about it. So this morning, I did leg exercises due to that sense of responsibility. I apologize for the names I called you.
One thing that this program is showing me is that I tend to have many defense mechanisms for helping myself deal with the fact that I’m lousy at the exercises. For example, the first exercise this morning was a “One-Leg-Balance-Lunges”. This involves resting the top of one foot on a chair placed behind you, stepping forward with the other foot, and performing a lunge with your foot remaining on the chair. This move does not lend itself well to being performed when still bleary-eyed from waking up earlier than usual. Suffice to say, I spent more time trying to regain my balance than actually lunging. All of this struggling gnaws at my sports-ego more than I ever imagined. So how do I handle this?
I make fun of Tony, of course. During the warm-ups, he introduces us to the three participants in the video, and he describes one of them as possessing “super-sonic-fitness!” As I’m careening from side to side during the balance lunges, I’m delivering this monologue. Out loud.
“Supersonic fitness, huh? So these people are in better shape than the speed of sound? That IS impressive! But is it possible? I don’t think so. Tony, you’re gonna need to do better than that. That’s like saying I have better eyesight than Archimedes Screw…or that I have the lung capacity of the Post Office. It just doesn’t make sense to me. How am I supposed to focus my energy on maintaining proper form when I’m critiquing your descriptive word selection?!”
If my dedication and work ethic ever catch up with my rationalization and deflection skills, I will be a physical force to be reckoned with. For now, I’m just a poorly balanced, bitter, argumentative person that doesn’t have the leg strength left to make it up to the 5th floor I work on–and I use the elevator. But as I mentioned, I’m doing it all for you guys.